New Math
Introduction
Some of you who have small
children may have perhaps
been put in the embarrassing position of being unable to do your
child's
arithmetic homework because of the current revolution in mathematics
teaching known as the New Math.
So as a public
service here tonight, I thought I would offer a brief lesson in the New
Math. Tonight, we're gonna cover subtraction. This is the first room
I've
worked
for a while that didn't have a
blackboard, so
we will have to make do with more primitive visual aids, as they say in
the ed biz. Consider the following subtraction problem, which I will
put
up here: 342
minus 173. Now, remember how we
used to do that:
But in the new approach, as you know, the important thing is to
understand
what you're doing, rather than to get the right answer. Here's how they
do it now:
Lyrics and Music
You can't take three from
two,
Two is less than three,
So you look at the four in the
tens place.
Now that's really four tens
So you make it three tens,
Regroup, and you change a ten
to ten ones,
And you add 'em to the two and
get twelve,
And you take away three, that's
nine.
Is that clear?
Now instead of four in the
tens place
You've got three,
'Cause you added one,
That is to say, ten, to the two,
But you can't take seven from
three,
So you look in the hundreds
place.
From the three you then use
one
To make ten ones...
(And you know why four plus
minus one
Plus ten is fourteen minus one?
'Cause addition is commutative,
right!)...
And so you've got thirteen tens
And you take away seven,
And that leaves five...
Well, six actually...
But the idea is the important
thing!
Now go back to the hundreds
place,
You're left with two,
And you take away one from two,
And that leaves...?
Everybody get one?
Not bad for the first day!
Hooray for New Math,
Newhoohoo Math,
It won't do you a bit of good
to review math.
It's so simple,
So very simple,
That only a child can do it!
Now, that actually is not
the answer that I had
in mind, because the
book that I got this problem
out of wants you
to do it in base
eight. But don't
panic! Base eight
is just like base ten really 
if you're missing two
fingers! Shall we
have a go at it?
Hang on...
You can't take three from
two,
Two is less than three,
So you look at the four in the
eights place.
Now that's really four eights,
So you make it three eights,
Regroup, and you change an
eight to eight ones
And you add 'em to the two,
And you get onetwo base eight,
Which is ten base ten,
And you take away three, that's
seven.
Ok?
Now instead of four in the
eights place
You've got three,
'Cause you added one,
That is to say, eight, to the
two,
But you can't take seven from
three,
So you look at the
sixtyfours...
Sixtyfour? "How did
sixtyfour get into
it?" I hear you cry!
Well, sixtyfour is eight
squared, don't you
see? (Well, ya ask a
silly question, ya get a silly
answer!)
From the three, you then use
one
To make eight ones,
You add those ones to the three,
And you get onethree base
eight,
Or, in other words,
In base ten you have eleven,
And you take away seven,
And seven from eleven is four!
Now go back to the sixtyfours,
You're left with two,
And you take away one from two,
And that leaves...?
Now, let's not always see
the same hands!
One, that's right.
Whoever got one can stay after
the show and clean
the erasers.
Hooray for New Math,
Newhoohoo Math!
It won't do you a bit of good
to review math.
It's so simple,
So very simple,
That only a child can do it!
Come back tomorrow
night...we're gonna do fractions!
Y'know, I've often thought
I'd like to write a
mathematics textbook someday because I have a title that I know will
sell
a million copies; I'm gonna call it Tropic of Calculus

Lobachevsky
Introduction
For many years now, Mr.
Danny Kaye, who has been
my particular idol since childbirth, has been doing a routine about the
great Russian director Stanislavsky and the secret of success in the
acting
profession. And I thought it
would be interesting
to st... to adapt this idea to the field of mathematics. I always like
to make explicit the fact that before I went off not too long ago to
fight
in the trenches, I
was a mathematician by
profession. I don't like
people to get the idea that I have to do this for a living. I mean, it
isn't as though I had to do this, you know, I could be making, oh, 3000
dollars a year just
teaching.
Be that as it may, some of
you may have had occasion
to run into mathematicians and to wonder therefore how they got that
way,
and here, in partial explanation perhaps, is the story of the great
Russian
mathematician Nicolai Ivanovich
Lobachevsky.
Lyrics
Who made me the genius I am
today,
The mathematician that others
all quote,
Who's the professor that made
me that way?
The greatest that ever got
chalk on his coat.
One man deserves the credit,
One man deserves the blame,
and Nicolai Ivanovich
Lobachevsky is his name.
Oy!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day I
first meet the great
Lobachevsky.
In one word he told me secret
of success in mathematics:
Plagiarize!
Plagiarize,
Let no one else's work evade
your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made
your eyes,
So don't shade your eyes,
But plagiarize, plagiarize,
plagiarize...
Only be sure always to call it
please research.
And ever since I meet this
man my life is not
the same,
And Nicolai Ivanovich
Lobachevsky is his name.
Oy!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day I
am given first original
paper to write. It
was on analytic and algebraic
topology of locally
Euclidean metrization
of infinitely differentiable
Riemannian manifold.
Bozhe moi!
This I know from nothing.
But I think of great
Lobachevsky and I get idea
 haha!
I have a friend in Minsk,
Who has a friend in Pinsk,
Whose friend in Omsk
Has friend in Tomsk
With friend in Akmolinsk.
His friend in Alexandrovsk
Has friend in Petropavlovsk,
Whose friend somehow
Is solving now
The problem in Dnepropetrovsk.
And when his work is done 
Haha!  begins the fun.
From Dnepropetrovsk
To Petropavlovsk,
By way of Iliysk,
And Novorossiysk,
To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
To Tomsk to Omsk
To Pinsk to Minsk
To me the news will run,
Yes, to me the news will run!
And then I write
By morning, night,
And afternoon,
And pretty soon
My name in Dnepropetrovsk is
cursed,
When he finds out I published
first!
And who made me a big success
And brought me wealth and fame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky
is his name.
Oy!
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobache...
I am never forget the day my
first book is published.
Every chapter I stole from
somewhere else.
Index I copy from old
Vladivostok telephone directory.
This book, this book was
sensational!
Pravda  ah, Pravda  Pravda
said: (Russian doubletalk)
It stinks.
But Izvestia! Izvestia
said: (Russian doubletalk)
It stinks.
MetroGoldwynMoskva bought the
movie rights
for six million rubles,
Changing title to 'The Eternal
Triangle',
With Brigitte Bardot playing
part of hypotenuse.
And who deserves the credit?
And who deserves the blame?
Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky
is his name.
Oy!
